Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Bang, bang, bang!

I have two boys.  I understand that they are supposed to like cars, trains, bugs, snakes, guns, cowboys, dinosaurs and all kinds of other things.  I get it.  I don't always like it.  But I get it.  Well, there is one thing that is seriously grating on my nerves right now, so I feel it appropriate to vent to all of you kind souls out there. 

My boys are obsessed with Star Wars.  I'm okay with that part of it.  I can even acknowledge and approve of a multitude of Star Wars Lego creations that are presented with pride and joy each day.  What I cannot take is the constant noise of firing guns that comes out of their mouths.  Pshew, pshew!  Deeew, deew, deew!  Boam, boam!  Shoo, shoo, shoo!  Piiing!  Piiing!  They have a thousand different noises in their repertoire and they use every single one.  And they do it constantly.  It's so bad that even in church I have to quiet their gun-firing noises, and tell them to hold their hymnal correctly with the admonishing words, "We don't shoot guns at church." and "We don't shoot guns outside of church." and "We don't shoot guns at Sunday School."  Even George's teacher had to tell him, "Shooting guns is not an appropriate activity at St. So-and-So Catholic School."  The only comfort I draw from the endless rounds of shooting is that they aren't too sissy.  Right?  Hmm.  Not exactly sure about that, but I'm going to latch onto it anyway. 

Now, not only can they make the noises - quietly and loudly - but they can turn any single thing into a gun or weapon. I mean it.  Last week we were on our way to school in my super-cool mini van, when I groaned loudly because Luke was once again using his half-eaten waffle as a gun to shoot the cars coming by.  I should probably be worried about him becoming some kind of mass murderer or something tragic and horrifying like that, (and if anything does happen this blog post will be the State's Exhibit 1 in the prosecution), but instead all I can think is that the uneaten-waffle/gun is going to end up on the floor of my minivan (along with loads of other disgusting trash bits and random pieces of crap) and Luke is not going to eat his breakfast.  But to top it all off is the overwhelming urge I had to snatch the waffle away from his hands, narrow my angry laser eyes at him, and utter in a deep voice through gritted teeth the threat, "Don't. Make. One. More. Noise."

Instead, I heaved another groan and asked him if there was anything in the world that he couldn't turn into a gun or a weapon.  He smiled a sly smile, clearly impressed with himself, and said, "I don't think so."  I let out a shuddering deep breath and decided to challenge him instead of yelling at him.  So, I started snatching up random items that were in my car.  I handed him each one.  And with each item, he positioned it in his hands or on his body and fired away with his well-practiced firing noises, "Pew, pew, pew!" and "Cheew, cheew!"

Here are some of the items I handed him in rapid succession.  I wish I could have gotten pictures of him utilizing each item, but I was driving - in a school zone, no less - so no dice.

Item 1: Fancy Water Bottle With Sprayer.
Usage: Held up as a gun, with sprayer as convenient trigger.

Item 2: Crappy home magazine I receive in the mail and have no idea how to get off the mailing list.
Usage: Rolled up, held up lengthwise in front of his eye while he looked through an imaginary sight and fired with an imaginary trigger.
Item 3:  iPhone charger cord.
Usage:  This was a challenge.  He held one end in one hand like it was plugged into a huge machine, and used the other end like a flexible cannon.  Actually, I suggest the military look into this one. It would help shoot around corners.  He gets extra credit for this one.

Item 4:  Simple water bottle.
Usage:  Cap aimed out and used as pistol, pulling an imaginary trigger.

Item 5:  Weed eater plastic string. (Remember I said "random pieces of crap" and I meant it).
Usage:  Placed flat in the middle of chest.  Announced he is Ironman.  I issued extra credit on this one too.  You can see the Ironman image below to imagine this one.


Item 6:  Evie's bow, discarded because I didn't have time to do her hair in the carpool line, because that's usually how we roll.
Usage:  Clip opened up on hinges.  Bow part became the pistol's barrel.  Opened up clippy part became the handle to the pistol, and he fired away with his emasculated weapon.

Item 7:  My clutch which I use as an over sized wallet and stuff inside a bigger handbag.
Usage:  Balanced in his palm like a very large gun/pistol.  Fired away.  Not particularly creative.

Item 8:  Cap to a water bottle.
Usage:  Placed in the middle of his head and said, "Avatar" as he started shooting.  I could clearly see the firing coming out of his forehead.  How does he do that?!  The imagination is fascinating. 

Unfortunately, I had no idea what he was talking about and I had to look it up when I got home.  You can see the image below.

I guess this is some guy from Avatar - The Last Airbender (not the blue lady Avatar movie).  I don't watch these shows, but clearly Luke does.  Again, this is deserving of extra credit, in my opinion.

Through the entire exercise, I ended up laughing a lot and so did he.  In the end, I was so glad that I resorted to fun instead of a raised voice.  Now, that doesn't mean I didn't raise my voice at all that day.  It just means I delayed the inevitable.

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