Thursday, March 31, 2011

Fat Stores

Fantastic lunch:

Fries with ketchup
Cherry Coke


Now, my last meal before I dive into the hell of a diet will be:

(Mmm, so good).

Then I'm going to take a picture of my ass in a bikini and post it on my phone, on my fridge, on my desk at work, and everywhere else I need reminding that I don't need to eat to survive, because I can survive on my fat stores for a good long while.


Fat Olympics II starts tomorrow. Let me know if you're interested in participating. You can get more information by clicking here.

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

A Princess

If you ask Evie what she wants to be when she grows up she will respond matter-of-factly, "A princess." She says this in all seriousness and without hesitation while looking you straight in the eye. She does not see any problem with this scenario.

The other day someone asked her what she would do during a normal day as a princess. She had to think about it, but she came up with some answers:
  • Kiss the prince (well of course)
  • Grow her baby (okay, sure)
  • Clean her room (turning comical)
  • Kiss the prince and figure stuff out (I like that "kiss the prince" is on there twice)
  • Have the prince rescue her (from what exactly?)
  • Lay on the bed when she gets tired of waiting for the prince to rescue her (practical, but the prince doesn't sound very reliable)
These are all excellent goals. There are apparently plenty of princes to be had according to the List of International Royalty, but she may have to settle for a duke, viscount, or marquis. After we compile a list of possible princes who might come rescue my princess, we will begin working on Plan B which consists of a college education and and a job with insurance benefits.

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Shit! I hate that.

I'm planning Luke's birthday party (which I had to limit to just the boys in his class or else I would have to shoot myself), and I quickly put together the invitation yesterday on the Walgreens website. (I never said we were high class).
Pretty cute, right?

I addressed the envelopes last night, Chuck stuffed and sealed the envelopes, and I stamped them this morning. After dropping the invitations in the mail I looked down at the invitation to our bowling birthday party and noticed that the last line read, "Don't foget socks for bowling!"

Seriously? Seriously???? Ugh! I feel like a first rate idiot. Thank heaven it was just on a simple birthday party invitation, and not my RSVP to the royal wedding.

Monday, March 28, 2011


Evie's a bit of a rock star in our house at the moment.

For example, this is the painting she brought home from art class last week that we can't stop gushing over.

Here she is kicking butt at soccer.

And these are the shoes her daddy bought her, because Chuck believes that little girls deserve lots of shoes to choose from.

Bet you can't guess which pair she wore all weekend and begged to put on.
The answer is at the bottom.

And a random picture of Chuck and George playing around at Evie's soccer game this weekend, just because I thought it was cute.

Answer: She begged to wear the tennis shoes that you see on the bottom right corner in the picture above.

Friday, March 25, 2011

Whoa! I'm back!

Happy Friday, fools! Did you miss me? Yeah, of course you did.

I've been busy. In fact, I hadn't seen my babies (aside from kissing their sweet little faces as they dream) for approximately 48 hours. I finally got to see all three of them awake this morning. Precious! I missed them like crazy. I got to hear George count to 10, read a book, and sing happy birthday at the top of his lungs to no one in particular. Evie painted this amazing picture of flowers on a canvas at art school. I have to post it, because it's one of those things that we're going to pull out of a drawer and show the journalists who are writing her biography so we can say, "Yes, this is what she was painting at age 5." Then they will gush and fall all over themselves as the acknowledge her immense talent as an artist. Thankyouverymuch! And Luke, well Luke was a bit of a shit this morning, but how can I blame him - he gets his nasty morning disposition from me.

Okay, guys! Hopefully I'll have an update for you this weekend on all the Professional Mother's ridiculous lifestyle. It really is mind boggling how we keep everything running at our household.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Happy booby: Secondary meaning.

I'm fighting breast cancer by participating in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure. Please view my personal page and consider donating. I hate to say that a couple of friends are personally battling breast cancer right now. I want to do everything in my power to help them beat it into the ground!

Not sure how to title this post.

Luke loves this lamp thingy that you wear on your head and he would gladly wear it all the time if I let him.

Unfortunately, it makes him look like the geeks on Sixteen Candles.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Spring Break Ruins Me

I don't want to be back at work.

Luke doesn't want to be back at school.


Saturday, March 19, 2011


Evie fell down today while riding her scooter and now one of her baby teeth is loose. Poor girl. This stuff always happens to her! We'll see if it firms up in the next few days. On the bright side, she scored another goal at her soccer game today! Go Evie!

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Makeup Remover

This morning I looked in the mirror and realized that I didn't do a very good job washing my face last night. So, I pulled out the eye makeup remover and rubbed off all the leftover mascara and eyeliner that had melted off just under my eyes during the night. Unfortunately, it wasn't makeup - it was dark ocular circles - and those don't go away with makeup remover. *sigh*

On the other hand, this sleeping beauty did not wake up with dark ocular circles.

P.S. Happy St. Patrick's Day. Are you wearing green? I am.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Elmo & Mickey

This morning I asked George if he slept well last night. He nodded and said, "uh huh!" Then he added, "Elmo and Mickey too." He sleeps with an Elmo doll and a Mickey Mouse doll. And every night I kiss Elmo, Mickey, and George and tell them each "night-night" and "sweet dreams." Clearly, Elmo and Mickey deserve the same type of attention in the morning.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Soccer, Basketball, and a Temper

Luke and George and I hung out together during Evie's soccer practice last week. Her practice is at this adorable community center that has basketball courts, picnic tables, a water fountain, a play area and lots of grass.
Here's a picture.

Isn't it adorable?

Evie was fully engaged in the practice and is a rock star at soccer now. In fact, she made THREE goals at her last soccer game!!! I wish I could have been there to see it, but I had to work. I was (and am) so proud of her! Unfortunately, she is always too far away from the sideline for me to snap a good picture of her with my iPhone, as you can see here.

She's the first one in orange on the left.

So here's one with her wearing her favorite pajamas.
She's my girly girl.

Luke played soccer during her practice while I tried to keep up with George's basketball game. Seriously, the kid thinks he has a chance at making a basket.

He is undeterred and spent an hour attempting to shoot hoops and trying to get in on the big kids' game. He was totally pissed at me when I told him he couldn't play with the big kids (and by "big kids" I mean teenagers). I've posted the video so that you all can see the temper that matches that hair.

At the end of the video you can see him looking at the goal where the big kids were playing. I swear he was debating whether he should attempt to crash their game again despite me. He ended up heeding my instructions that he play on the other end of the court.

I was actually okay with the entire situation until Big G decided that I should lift him up so he would be closer to the basket. It didn't take too long before my arms were tired and I refused to pick him up again. I wish someone could have snapped a picture of that ridiculousness.

Still, he played on.

George Dribbles

George Runs

George Shoots

George Takes Unwanted Tips
from his Older Brother

And of course, the only time I walked away from him to go check on Evie, he took a tumble and scratched the side of his face. Luckily another mom was there to scoop him up and give him some love moments before I got back to him. Trust me, no one wants to see that kid crying.

Meanwhile, Luke focused on his soccer game.

I can't believe I snapped this picture with my iPhone.

Doesn't he look awesome?!

Then he became bored and wandered around aimlessly. He even stopped to examine the "skin" of a tree.

In the end, we were able to spend some time on the playground, but it just doesn't compare to the basketball court for George.

We had fun.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Grown up

Evie, "Mommy! I like grown-up tv shows now!"

Me (thinking, "oh hell."), "That's interesting."

Evie smiled, "I really like iCarly."

Me (relieved), "Oh, yes. That is very grown up!"

Friday, March 11, 2011


With sadness, I'm lifting up in prayer the people of Japan and all those affected by the earthquake.

No funnies today.

Thursday, March 10, 2011


I am thrilled (and suddenly itchy) to find out that a huge population of Luke's elementary school has contracted lice. Yay me (and all the other parents and kids at the school). At least I've been through this before and know what to expect.

Although, I was shocked to learn that there are actually companies out there that will pick through your child's hair and remove the unwanted parasites for you. No lie. It's pretty pricey, but hell, it might be worth it - and less itchy.

Here are some of the services I found: Texas Lice Squad, Lice Lady, and Liceology.


Angela's Sweet Boy

This is for you Angela.
Hope you have an absolutely wonderful birthday today!

P.S. I'm sorry about my exclamation at the end!
The last post was my 1,000th post. Wow. I had no idea.

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Position Open to Julie

So, I have officially decided that "julie" is my new favorite person. She posted this comment in response to my last post:

julie said...

After you become weary of lawyering, you must publish your writings. You are beyond hilarious!!!

Um, hell yeah! Girl, can you come live with me and tell me how gorgeous I am every morning, what a great mom I am, and constantly tell me how "clean" my house is? The position is paid in glasses of wine (which you have get to drink with me). I feel that we would definitely get along splendidly!

Monday, March 7, 2011


Luke will not eat a lot of things. For example, he does not like hamburgers but he loves meatballs. He won't eat certain types of ice cream or chocolate. He won't eat macaroni and cheese, jelly, whipped cream, any type of vegetable, strawberries, and all kinds of other very edible items. But what I don't understand is how he refuses to eat all these wonderful things (and whimpers at the thought of it) but is quick to eat any boogers he pulls out of his nose and happily chomps on his finger nails and toe nails. Why, I ask you? Whyyyyy???? Can anyone explain this?
Luke definitely can't.
I must assume he has fantastically delicious boogers.

Friday, March 4, 2011

Friday Pictures

Pictures of the babies - because they're always a pick-me-up.

Evie (the Artist)

Luke (the Soccer Player)

George (the Ham)

After I took this picture, I started to walk away and George said, "More pictures?!"

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Not How Yoga Was Meant to Be Enjoyed

So I'm on day 6 of P90X. Don't worry, I won't finish it. I rarely get past the first week, so there's really no reason to start thinking that I will actually finish it this time around either. But, I'm giving it a go and every time I work out (no matter what I do) I consider it a win. Well, except for Tuesday night when I attempted Yoga. For reasons too embarrassing to post, I cannot do, and have not done, any yoga in at least a month of Sundays. Why? Well, as I said, it is too embarrassing to explain so just go with it. Suffice it to say, I decided to face the challenge once again, with the real possibility that the embarrassment of which I speak would return. I wouldn't call it a success at all, but at least I gave it a go.

Tuesday night I was at home with the kids by myself because Chuck was working late. (sidenote: unfortunately for him "working late" actually means working late). I fed the kids, and settled them into my bed with a movie to watch while I waddled my skin-tight-yoga-pant-clad butt downstairs to put in the P90X Yoga DVD. I started out pretty strong. I had a good thirty minutes to myself until I heard Luke scream from the top of the stairs, "Evie! Hurt!" I actually thought he was telling Evie that she was hurting him so I did nothing (yes, I'm that kind of mom) and he continued to scream, "Evie! Hurt! Evie's hurt!" until I finally snapped out of my yoga trance and pushed pause. I ran upstairs where I found Evie holding her head with George smiling like the Cheshire cat next to her.

Me, "What happened?"

Evie, "George hurt me! *sob*"

I looked at George, "Did you hurt Evie?"

George nodded, smiled and said cheerfully, "Uh huh!"

I scolded him and told Evie we could get her some ice.

I returned to my yoga. About 10 minutes later George joined me downstairs and started doing poses with me, such as downward facing dog. It was precious until he got up and jumped on my back while I was doing downward facing dog. I eventually got him off of me and told him to go get his basketball. (He has a serious obsession for basketball, but he likes someone to play with him). He brought the basketball over to me while I was holding the "tree" position" (pictured below) and began tossing the ball at me.

Luckily, I was able to hold the pose and catch and toss the ball like I was playing fetch with a dog - the dog being George. It worked for awhile until I heard Evie screaming from the top of the stairs, "Mommy! Luke's hurt!" This time I quickly paused the DVD and ran upstairs with George and the two dogs running after me. (Everyone loves a little excitement at the house).

When I made it upstairs, Luke had bumped his shin on the bed frame and was in tears. I gathered him up and took him downstairs to apply ice to his shin. (It was actually pretty bad and bruised up nicely). At this point, I had been working out for 90 minutes and still had 35 minutes left in my 90-minute yoga video. I sat everyone down and told them that I just needed to finish this video, but when they saw all the fun poses - downward facing dog, upward facing dog and all the other poses - they assumed that I must be contorting myself for no other purpose than to have them crawl under, over, around, and on me.

So for example, they would run under me in this pose:

Over me in this pose:

And push me over in this pose as they tried to swing on my legs and arms:

They all tried to do this pose:

After which, Luke rolled onto his stomach and announced, "Now it's Gas Time!" I looked at him in wonder and said, "Huh?" just before he farted loudly and began laughing uncontrollably.

I sat back and watched the hotshots on the video do this pose.

Evie wondered why I wasn't doing it and insisted she could do it. She promptly fell flat on her face and started crying because her teeth bit into her lip when her face hit the ground. (I tried not to laugh. I really did.)

At one point Luke sat down next to me in this pose and started to chant "ooohmm . . . ooohmm"

I eventually bribed Luke to play with my iPhone, Evie to play with Barbies, and George (unable to be convinced to do anything else) watched me continue my yoga moves as he bounced his basketball off my head repeatedly (I wish I was exaggerating here). It only took me a little over two hours to complete my yoga video, but it was a bitch of a workout.

While the yoga video is filmed with soothing music in the background, I was serenaded to the tunes of the Star Wars video game battle on my iPhone, an intermittent thump of a ball against my head, screams and cries from the children, and for a short while the blessed sounds of Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, which I set up to play on my computer in the den where I was working out. But the cherry on the top was when the dogs also decided to get in on the under, over, in, and out action as I twisted myself into various yoga poses, and after taking a whiff and checking George's diaper three times, I realized that Walter had a dingleberry hanging from his butt which he had paraded by and under me for God-only-knows how long. Thank you Tuesday. It was a real humdinger of an evening.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

My Best Friend

There are some days where I wake up and wish I could just spend the entire day with Chuck. Today is one of those days.

I think it is because I saw this picture and realized how much fun we have together. So lucky to be in love with my best friend.