Wednesday, January 22, 2014

According to Evie

Evie has a lot to say.

You probably wouldn't guess it if you met her just once.

You probably wouldn't guess it if you met her just five times.

But, get to know her, and get her one on one, and that girl has a lot to say.

As we drove to school this morning, she was her typical self (first reminding me that we needed to pray) and then posing situations and scenarios to Luke.  I only caught one before we changed the subject, but it made my eyes widen when I heard her over the celebrity news I was listening to on the radio (priorities, right?).

Evie asked Luke, "If you were in the bathroom pooping and a wasp was in there too, which is more important: pooping or the wasp?"

My eyes shot open and looked in the rear view mirror, "Did you really just ask that?" 

Evie grinned and said brightly, "Uh huh!"  She looked back at Luke.

Luke was already laughing and said with all certainty, "The wasp, for sure!"

Evie responded, "So that would mean you would be running around with a poopy butt!"

Luke laughted more, "Uh huh!"

I rolled my eyes as they continued the banter about poop on his butt and how much better that was than a wasp stinging him.  (By the way, neither of them have ever been stung by a wasp, bee or any other creature.)

I really don't know how the subject changed, but within a minute or so, Evie had announced that she would grow up to be an old woman without any kids.

I screwed up my face with confusion, "What do you mean?  Why are you not going to have any kids?"

She replied happily, "Because I don't ever want to kiss a boy."

"Hmmm.  You might change your mind..."

"Nope.  I also don't want to deal with (yes, she said "deal with") kids' poop and pee and diapers.  I don't want to change their sheets when they pee in them (referring to herself, by the way) or get new underwear with the kid poops in his pants (totally referring to George, here)."

I looked at her in the rear view mirror again, "So, really, this is all about not wanting to touch poop and pee?"

"Yes.  And I don't want to have to kiss a boy a million times."

I responded dryly, "Interesting.  You know, you might like it."

"I don't think so."

I asked, "Does it look like I don't like kissing Dad?"

Luke, who had been silently watching the exchange until now, piped up loudly and earnestly, "Ohhhh nooo.  You like it!"

I shook my head.  By the sound of it, you'd think Chuck and I were groping each other in front of the kids all the time.  Truth be told, it's mostly a peck on the lips and a hug before we leave for work/school.

Soon after that, the discussion morphed into Evie announcing, "I never want to work, either."

I thought to myself, "Oh, my child, what a rude awakening you are going to have to face!"  And then I said, "That may not work for you.  If you aren't going to have a husband to take care of you and I'm certainly not going to support you your entire life and pay for all your stuff, and you aren't going to get a job, how are you going to support yourself?  Who's going to pay for your house and your food and your clothes?"

She paused thoughtfully.  "Okay.  I'll get a job.  But not one that makes me have to write a lot."

"Like what?" I asked.

"Hmmm.  Not a scientist.  Not a waiter at a restaurant."

I stopped her, "Not a waiter?  Why not a waiter?"

I swear she looked at me like I was stupid, "Because they have to write down every single person's order."

All I could say was, "Oh."  If she thinks that is a lot of writing, she's in big, big, big trouble.

Luke threw out some options, "What about a lawyer?"

"No.  Too much writing." 

Luke countered, "But they don't write on paper.  They use a computer."

"Can they play games?" she asked hopefully.

I interrupted with a firm, "No."

Luke switched gears, "What about a teacher?"

"Maybe."  She paused, "But they have to write a lot too."  Suddently, her face brightened with an idea and she said, "Maybe a librarian!"

My hopes for her future suddenly brightened and I asked, "Why is that?"

She responded, "They don't have to do anything but help little kids find books." 

My hopes crumbled just as quickly. I said, "Well, they do have to read a lot."

She asked in confusion, "Why?"

Seriously?  I'm pretty sure Luke and I both looked at her like she was crazy.  Really?  How does she make straight A's in school if she doesn't realize that a librarian has to read a lot.  Really?  *sigh*

When I pulled myself together, I said, "Well, if a librarian has to recommend books to you and help you find books to read, she would have to have read all the books in the library so she knows which ones you are looking for or which ones would be good for you to read."

Although I was thankful that she realized what I said was true, I'm terrified that we have raised a child children who are completely devoid of any drive, motivation, or ambition.

As for Luke, he has announced that he wants a job teaching people how to play video games.  Heaven help them.

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