Wednesday, October 29, 2008

How The Grinch Stole Halloween

No shit - someone whose heart is two sizes too small stole our pumpkins off our front porch! I promised Luke and Evie that we would carve our pumpkins last night and while I was on my way home I asked Chuck to pull the pumpkins inside so they wouldn't be cold as I pulled the seeds out from the inside. When I got home, the pumpkins weren't on the porch and I thought how sweet my husband was to remember. I went in bubbling full of Halloween spirit and excitement and said, "Okay, kids, let's start carving our pumpkins!" and I looked at Chuck and said, "Where'd you put the pumpkins?" He looked up from his crackberry and said without emotion, "They weren't on the porch. Someone must have taken them." I responded with disbelief and disgust in my voice, "WHAT?!!?" Quite honestly, I probably looked like the 16 year old girl who got a computer for her birthday instead of the pink convertable she always wanted. I was ticked, pissed, hacked, whatever you want to call it. I paced around the living room asking, "Why would anyone do that?" and "You've got to be kidding me!" and "What is wrong with people?" and "Can't people afford their own damn pumpkins?" And then it dawned on me and I asked with lightening-quick fury, "Wait! Didn't someone steal our pumpkins last year too?!" Well, ticked, pissed, and hacked turned into angry, furious, and annoyed. "Damn it!"

Luke, "Mommy, where are the pumpkins?" Well, I proceeded to explain that someone had stolen our pumpkins and what it means when someone steals something and how it is a bad thing. Seriously, pumpkins?! So, I zipped up my anger and went to the store to buy two decent looking pumpkins out of the few scrub pumpkins that hadn't been snatched up by other Halloween-loving people. Of course, when I got to the car I noticed that both pumpkins had holes in them and one of them was actually molding. Bastard thieves, sticking me with crappy pumpkins. WTH? Luke noticed the flaws right away. Hopefully, our design will allow me to cut out the nasty parts. While I was at the store, the time was getting closer and closer to bed time so I bought some little pumpkin pie pumpkins for the kids to decorate with markers.

When I got home with the little pumpkins, the kids automatically demanded (and I mean DEMANDED) markers so they could decorate their pumpkins. All we had were two black Sharpie markers. Taking our fate into our own hands, we gifted each child with a permanent marker and let them at it after putting newspaper on the table. Luckily, the kids were pretty good. After they scribbled on their pumpkins I helped each one of them make a scary face on their little pumpkins and they proceeded to growl at each other and shove their decorated pumpkins in each others' faces and their parents' faces. Annoying, but cute. I'll have to post pictures of all our pumpkins tomorrow.

Have a happy day, and tell the Halloween Grinch to go to H-E-double hockey sticks.


Jason A. Bowman said...

Theresa, I love you and your family dearly and while I hardly ever comment on your blog, I must point out a couple of things. First, I am sorry that someone stole your pumpkins, but that story is funny. Second, you seem to have an aversion throughout the story from using the word Hell (i.e. H E Double Sticks and WTH), but you freely use Shit and Dammit. I miss that.

Theresa said...

Yes, I must admit that one of the side effects of this pregnancy has been an increase in my usage of curse words. Strangely WTH and WTF are great acronyms for the colorful phrases; therefore, I tend to use those to shorten my typing. I would do the same if I could come up with recognizable acronyms for damnit, shit, bitch, bastard, rat-bastard, etc. I'm not sure why I bother since I feel compelled to write a novel everyday. Also, H-E Double Hockey Sticks is just plain fun to write and adds more punch than the simple word "hell" - hence, my second aversion to just saying the real word. Oh, and FYI (another favorite acronym) I never actually say "WTF" or "WTH" - it always is said in all its glory. As always, I appreciate the comment and I'm glad you're reading the blog!

joan said...

What is a crackberry? from your ignorant sister - joan

Theresa said...

The BlackBerry is otherwise known as a CrackBerry because people become so addicted to it. There's even a repetitive motion injury/pain called "berry thumb." It's quite ridiculous and my husband is thoroughly addicted to Texas Hold 'Em and Brick Breaker. When you see us at Thanksgiving, I assure you he will spend half the time on that damn thing. I finally set down limits that the CrackBerry is NOT allowed in bed with us. FYI - Crackberry was named the New Word of the Year by Webster's New World College Dictionary in November 2006.