Thursday, April 21, 2011

Don't Eff with Me, Robert. I'm a woman on the edge.

So, I often have people say to me, "How do you do it all?" or "I don't know how you do it!"

For some reason, many people think that I'm perfect - or close to perfect - but the truth is, the only thing I'm perfect at is projecting the image of perfection, and really, that's a big fat lie too. Just ask ChuckyLuv. He knows the truth - as does any single person who has ever visited my home.

The place is a freakin' wreck almost all the time. Now, I'll admit that it isn't going to be featured on "Hoarders" or "Buried Alive" anytime soon, but I'll the fact is that the kitchen is only ever clean for the orgasmic five minutes just after the maids finish cleaning my house every other Friday. And the remainder of the house is a cluttered mess full of piles of laundry, toys throughout, unfinished Lego projects, numerous pieces of school artwork, stacks of mail, the most recent snack, and at least one empty bottle of wine or champagne and two empty glasses.

I am fully aware of the state of my household organization (or lack thereof), but for some reason I was highly offended, embarrased, and generally depressed when I received a detailed note from the exterminator that visited our home today (who I forgot was coming) about the overall condition of my home. Robert (aka "The-Man-Who-Kills-Bugs-for-A-Living" - yes, I'm being catty) scrawled the following words onto my receipt:

Attic O.K. Yard Cluttered w/ toys. home cluttered throughout especially
Garage. Please try to have toys picked up before ea. svc.

Despite Robert's obvious difficulty in maneuvering through the clutter, and his offense that I did not clean up my house for the exterminator, he charged me only $114.06 for the service, reflected a payment of $114.06, and accepted my check for $115.00, fully securing a tip of 94 cents as a reflection of his exceptional customer service.

Robert, if you want to see a real mess, then I dare you to exterminate these homes:

And you can find more images of these on the Hoarder's website or the Buried Alive website.

Robert, we're done. Don't come back.


Angie said...

Wow! He must not have any kids or perhaps his perfect wife is home all day doing nothing but eating bon bons with one hand while she effortlessly pushes a vacuum with the other.

Whenever I find myself in these types of situations I just tell myself that I can't Possibly be the worst one. And I know that you can claim that as well. :)

Jess said...

How rude.

Mom said...

I think you must have the the one guy that came to your house when I was there and you forgot to leave a check. He went balistic until I assured I could write a check of my own. Too bad you extermination company keeps this rude guy employed. Perhaps you should notify the owner that you never want this guy again.